*currently listening to Mary on a Cross by Ghost*
I think I have Netflix playing 24 hours of every day. Genuinely. I've got Brooklyn 99 playing constantly. I have it on when I sleep, I leave it on when I go out so it's on when I come home, I watch it while I eat, while I work, while I write. Basically I have it on all the time and I can't seem to function without it playing in the background. (I say this but it's taken me 10x longer to write this post because I keep getting distracted by the episode that's on.)
I've always liked background noise but before prison I used to listen to music all the time. I love music. I love how older songs make me feel like I'm swooning in love. I love how certain pop songs take me back to summer holidays between school terms. I like how new music stops me in my tracks and forces me to enjoy new sounds. I love how one day in the future these new discovered songs will remind me of these days and I hope to smile reflectively.
Point is, the entertainment we take in consciously affects us significantly. It alters our self esteem, it influences our consumption habits and impacts how we see the world and each other. I think I've underestimated the impact having TV on 24.7. It's a crutch, and stops me being reflective. Music guides us as much as it holds us.
I want to feel things. I want to be distracted by happiness and energy. I want to sit and listen to a song for 3 minutes and melt into nostalgia. I don't want to rely on listening to the same thing/the same episode and series over and over again. I'm not opening myself up to new feelings and I'm not inviting new thoughts.
Does this make sense? Essentially I'm using a TV series for company. The constant chatter distracts me from using my imagination and from daydreaming. I'm going to get back into music. Give me your favourite bands. Share with me your favourite songs. Do you make playlists? Let's have a listen!
Swipe ➡️ to dance with me. ❤️
I am accepting it. My sleeping pattern is backwards! I hate the day time at the moment so I'm just gonna accept that I want to sleep through it and be alive and human during the night time instead.
Maybe now I'll reach a whole new demographic of perverts. Who's awake at this sorta time? 🤔
**Subscribe for my tits, stay for the politics** ✊️
Guess who is making a grand return to work this week now that I'm taking a step back from activism? Me!!!
I have a couple customs to complete so I'll get to them tomorrow. I'm excited to throw myself back into creating content and connecting. I miss feeling sexy and being filthy so I'm gonna prioritise it from now on!
In case you're new here: last year I went to prison for my involvement in some protests that took place in my city in 2021. Tomorrow marks two whole years since the very protest I was incarcerated for. It feels fucking nuts and might explain the recent anxiety I've had. There is a peaceful demonstration happening to honour those who were sent to prison, plus those who are still awaiting trial and sentencing.
The demo will also represent our solidarity with those exploited by police and state violence. I have so many things to say about UK politics and our justice system but for now I say: community is everything. No justice, no peace. ✊️
I used to be so sure of myself.
Perhaps it is insane to think that I'll always feel settled and good about where I am in life and the decisions I have made. I guess this is what's wrong with fixating on a destination, on a goal. The parameters always change and the bar always resets. Until now, though, I've always been ambitious. I've always wanted to aim higher, have new experiences, explore the copious avenues of self expression in both sex work and activism. For years both of these things are what made me whole. They were my identity. But now I feel distant and disconnected. Its not that I want to throw it all away but if I could take my life to couple's counselling then I would. I miss the harmony. I miss when it was easy. No, I miss when it was hard and I still wanted to try.
Happiness hack: fake it till you make it. Back to square one I guess.
Bear with me while I think this out. I'm going through a transitional period and I don't know how to navigate it so I'll keep creating and see what blooms.
Unbelievably struggling with my mental health and capacity to work at the moment.
I don't know what it is. My vitality has gone.
I used to really enjoy taking content and engaging but now I find it difficult. My lust for connection and camaraderie has dwindled despite being the things that used to keep me together.
I feel at war with my body despite feeling like I'm throwing up white flags left, right and center.
My bed feels safe and suffocating at the same time. My camera constantly scrutinises. My sex toys feel disengaged.
What on earth is this? Is this a depressive episode? Am I done with sex work? Will these feelings pass?
I'm going out in a minute to create banners for a demonstration that's happening in my city on Tuesday. The demonstration is against police and state violence so naturally I am going to show solidarity with those who are routinely exploited.
I campaigned for our right to protest two years ago and at one demonstration the police got violent and I ended up in hospital. After filing a report it wasn't long until the state decided I deserved to be incarcerated instead. I was silenced very quickly. I'm keen to get back to the streets and show that there is strength in solidarity and community. No justice, no peace. ✊️
I am making a vow to myself to create more. I miss it so much. I'm going to look through my page and pick out my favourite photographs and shoots to stir up some inspiration. 📹💓
P.s. how cute and innocent do I look here?
Right, that's it, I'm booking some pamper appointments. I want my hair done, my nails done, and my eyebrows done. I want to feel good again, and I deserve some self love goodness ✨️💓
Instagram saw these first! You can follow my insta if you enjoy unhinged rants from me. I'm very casual there so expect to see a different side to me, plus I share updates on my activism there too. ✊️💓 my username is jasmonroe
Reflections on denial.
Wow, I don't know how to articulate this. My body is charged with so much energy right now and I'm convinced there is only one outlet for its release, and arguably only one person capable of managing it too.
I've floated between labels. *"am I pansexual?" "Am I demisexual? Sapiosexual?"* I've pondered on what gets me erotically charged. I choose these words carefully because after being around a particular man I must differentiate this feeling from being: simply horny. How I've felt today is new to me. Not new entirely actually, it's like I've unearthed a feeling I buried a long time ago. It's a wanting, a need, a sort of yearning for a fix. But instead of seeking minsicle copies of this fix, or fabricated mimics of it with others, I choose to revel in the agony of wanting this particular and then denying myself.
I cannot say I've submitted to this agony entirely because immediately when the feeling became insurmountable I tried releasing it. I can tell, though, this as an antidote won't be sufficient or sustainable and I seriously need to accept this wanting and entertain it.
How is it possible to want someone so obsessively and yet routinely put up walls and barricades? Why do I ignore my impulses? Do I find enjoyment in denying myself and subsequently him? Am I challenging him?
So. Many. Thoughts.
*currently listening to Precious Time by The Maccabees*
Today I am going to move slowly and with intention. I'm tired of being in a rush, I'm tired of feeling like I am constantly playing catch up. I have time. You have time. Go slowly today, it's your day. 💞
I've had a crazy few days! I've done radio interviews, TV interviews, defendant support, a noise demo, I've written press statements, I've made social media info graphics. Gah. Lots. It bugs me that I've not been online as much as I usually am but I guess that's the nature of the activist beast! Anyway, I've got 2 important meetings tonight but hopefully I'll be online after that. ❤️✊️
