Reflections on denial. Wow, I don't know how to articulate ..
Added 2023-03-15 17:25:50 +0000 UTCReflections on denial. Wow, I don't know how to articulate this. My body is charged with so much energy right now and I'm convinced there is only one outlet for its release, and arguably only one person capable of managing it too. I've floated between labels. *"am I pansexual?" "Am I demisexual? Sapiosexual?"* I've pondered on what gets me erotically charged. I choose these words carefully because after being around a particular man I must differentiate this feeling from being: simply horny. How I've felt today is new to me. Not new entirely actually, it's like I've unearthed a feeling I buried a long time ago. It's a wanting, a need, a sort of yearning for a fix. But instead of seeking minsicle copies of this fix, or fabricated mimics of it with others, I choose to revel in the agony of wanting this particular and then denying myself. I cannot say I've submitted to this agony entirely because immediately when the feeling became insurmountable I tried releasing it. I can tell, though, this as an antidote won't be sufficient or sustainable and I seriously need to accept this wanting and entertain it. How is it possible to want someone so obsessively and yet routinely put up walls and barricades? Why do I ignore my impulses? Do I find enjoyment in denying myself and subsequently him? Am I challenging him? So. Many. Thoughts.
