Someone asked me if this career choice was “right for me” given my mental fragility and the amount of emphasis on “likes” and looks in this field, and I have a lot to say about this. This is like what my whole Cyberhorny thesis is about! While a bit presumptuous, it is a good question and one I have thoroughly thought about as well. I have the self awareness to realize online work does a number on the serotonin/dopamine receptors your brain, but I’ve been doing this long enough to be used to it and in most cases transcend it. Our neural wiring gets very fucked up in the cyber world and the validation machine (many jobs are online now too and unfortunately looks and likes are as emphasized on LinkedIn/the workplace as they are on OF/sex work), but I also think it’s important for me to make art and writing about this because few people do and it’s a major topic that needs to be discussed.
Also, I enjoy what I do. I wouldn’t ask anyone “hey are you sure is this the right career path for you? I think maybe you should do something else” … There is a perceived false intimacy that you get from interacting with me here because I share quite a bit about myself, overshare sometimes, but really y’all don’t know the full story. You know an iota of my Internet personality. You will project certain things on me, like fantasies and assumptions, and I don’t mind. As long as you’re nice to me (or your critique has a logical backing and not just ad hominem attacks) I genuinely enjoy these interactions.
It’s strange being vulnerable online about things like my psyche and meta analysis about my job. As far as my depression goes, this line of depressive thinking would happen to me no matter any profession I am in. I would rather do something I really enjoy like this, than something I fucking hate — here, I am more able to express my grievances, whereas in another line of work I would hold it in (it would be fairly inappropriate to be “vulnerable” with vanilla job like waitress or lawyer clients, just think about it) and honestly I think that is worse. So yes I may candidly complain, but in the grand scheme of things I am self aware enough to know that the depressive episodes are temporary, failure and success is cyclical, I will still have my mental illness regardless of what I do in life. All I can do is my best to manage myself and use the tools I’ve learned in therapy.
This is *THE BEST POSSIBLE* profession for me at this moment in time based on three factors: enjoyability, lucrativeness, and physical ease of work.
I am creatively and intellectually passionate about what I do. Digital parasocial sexuality is an unexplored terrain and I want to be a pioneer, a psychonaut of this in a way. My porn has aesthetic and sentimental value to me.
The ability to make a living working from home is essential to me and I cannot emphasize that enough. I can’t do 9 to 5 work, I have a hard time holding down jobs that are easy for most “normal” people, and I get exhausted easily. Chronic fatigue sucks ass. Working from home is a godsend. Yes I wish I was more popular and more lucrative and yes I wish other things in my life (like having rich supportive parents) were a possibility. But for the most part I’m happy with my work. I understand the curiosity about whether this is right for me, but at the risk of sounding like a bitchy cunt it’s no one’s business but my own.
This is an interesting topic and I know several of you think about this which is why I am posting such a long thing again lol, but you don’t have to worry about whether it is right for me! It is.
The issue here is not others’ perceptions of my compatibility with this profession, but rather my mental and physical illnesses that grate at the compatibility of me and *any* profession. The second I truly stop wanting to do this, I will, and I do have times when I want to give up. In a major sense my wanting to give up extends to life in general, the first thing to go being my work. I do believe I am strong enough to continue, it just takes a tremendous amount of effort from me. After the pressure and the stress I’ve endured in the past year(s) I would have a mental breakdown no matter field I was in. I’ve already had several meltdowns and it just happens that here on my OF for better or worse you have access to a slice of them 😪
The past few weeks especially have been difficult for me, the holidays really weigh and strain on my psyche, and coupled with these being the slowest months of the year in sex work it makes sense that it comes out in my emotional posts haha
So I just want to clarify! I know what I’m doing. I willfully enjoy doing this. This is my job and how I make my living. I may not be the best creator but I love my job. I believe I am allowed to complain about it too, as most people naturally complain about work and even a dream job will never be perfect, although maybe I should stop posting long emotional things because vulnerability is an easy target for people to be rude and disrespectful. Obviously I will not be doing OF forever but I want to make it last as long as possible while I’m attractive to you, lucid enough to create amazing work, and have passion for what I do.
Thank you for coming to my Ted talk 🖤💚 Swipe for super cute pictures of my kitten in the second half of this post 🥺 🎀 💕
I’m gonna post something much more positive and awesome today: I was visited by my friend and fellow creator @katarinaishii 💖 ^o^ we got to hang out, talk, and take cute pics 💕 🌴
I was really happy that Kat visited and we got to connect about a myriad of things, she’s so cute and even got me a bunch of kawaii (and practical!) cat stuff 🥰 I got her a cat notebook and a book that I translated from Russian — she loves to read and I admire her intellectual tenacity. (She read almost 100 books last year!! :o How cool is that)
Swipe for a few videos of us talking about a bunch of random shit on my Pokémon-infested bed lol and my little couch ✨ She’s intimidatingly popular, smart, and gorgeous and her page is 🔥 so I’m super happy she likes my stuff. I loved talking to her about all kinds of topics 💕
In the video snippets we’re just talking about random stuff: life, family, OF, mental health things, Pokemon, Russian cartoons... should I post the full length wholesome videos? (one is 26 min, one is 32 min) ✨
I am going to the dentist today, please wish me luck omg 🥺🥺
Sorry about my absence yesterday, I was not in a good place. There were a lot of people (when it rains it pours and it was like all kind of happening at one) who demanded a lot from me and more than I could give, wanting “more for less” and encroaching on my boundaries, so I kind of imploded and my confidence deflated. I knew that if I stayed online I would say more stupid and toxic shit so I just took the day off. I get so self-conscious sometimes because p much all my creator friends are super popular and successful, and I consider myself a major failure in life, which my parents also always conditioned me to feel. I get triggered by a lot of irrational things and I'm sorry for being such an emotional wreck! Ngl after I made that post yesterday I logged off for the whole day, cried a lot, and took a several hour depression nap. I feel better coming back and I thank you so much if you're patient with me and kind to me. All of this is in part why I’m in therapy and working on myself.
Perhaps one day I’ll do more GG content which is more popular and lucrative — alone I know how to film myself but I get shy in front of the camera with others sometimes cause I’m afraid to look fat or hideous. I need to get over my insecurities, both mentally and physically, and it's tough. My goal is to do more sexy cute girl collabs, maybe next time we’ll do a sexy shoot ;) Enjoy the more wholesome stuff 🥰
Tip $5 or more if you want to see a video of me changing out of my clothes in front of my friend 🙈🤍
Thank you Kat for visiting me 💕
Maybe one day I’ll visit her. Also those Slowpokes kiss and it’s so adorable 💗😂 💋 💖
I’m feeling extremely fucking underappreciated today. I work very hard on my content for people to want more more more, for pennies. I understand that it’s a tough financial time right now, believe me I know the feeling of being poor and wanting a good deal, but it’s insulting and depressing.
Sorry in advance that I’m not a beacon of positive energy and good vibes. I’m in a really low mood this morning, I don’t know how long this episode will last but thank god everything is temporary. Probably I will delete this post later. I know long winded posts like this where I am of spiraling mental health and feeling deep in depression make me lose subscribers, but I need to state this because there are people who have problems paying sex workers or even seeing them as a human being and as a whole this problem is bigger than my stupid little thoughts and feelings.
If you cannot afford a sex work experience, don’t live above your means. Beyond the monthly sub price, tips are optional. Encouraged but optional. Still, tips of $2, $3 are a slap in the face. Usually I laugh at these little tips cause I get them occasionally, but lately I’ve been getting it a lot and it makes me feel very demotivated and demoralized. I don’t expect generous tips from the average consumer but it hurts to get these minuscule amounts (with an expectation of me sending explicit content) because when OF takes the 20% pay cut that’s like $1.60 or $2.40 lol … would you tip a waitress or server that amount, and they are not even nude? You tip your postmates driver more than that. Don’t tip at all then just lurk and jerk. I give away so much already. I don’t even want to post nudes now because I already have 5000+ explicit content and the amount of work I put into this is not even appreciated enough. Do you guys even enjoy what I do? At least a genuine comment or a heartfelt message that what I do is valued would be nice, if you can’t afford to tip.
Having a price tag on everything is already dystopian and getting worse every year — along with commodity fetishism and market value it becomes a daunting task reconciling our existence with a monetary value. Maybe I should post my Karl Marx and Lenin videos again.
What makes a sex worker seem “cheaper” than a diner waitress or a salon worker or an uber driver?
My fundraiser from the new year is not even half way there, did you guys hate the videos? Should I stop making them and give up on doing this?
As much as I want to people-please, and cater to the male gaze, and create an atmosphere of excellent service, it very much sucks to be taken for granted. I love doing this and I am very genuinely thankful for my subscribers but recently I feel like I’ve been cast aside or like you guys are tired of me. Are you over me? Am I sucking ass contentwise? If there is constructive criticism I would like to hear it, but it’s very demoralizing to have less likes, comments, and tips.
I try to make my posts have a balance between solicitous and gratuitous. I need to make money in order to survive, I don’t get help from family and I’m on my own — but I also want to please my viewers and I will go above and beyond to do so. You wouldn’t go into a grocery store and say hey I bought pasta can I get the pasta sauce for free? And the parmesan too, oh and can I also get a discount on the silverware? ….. I know viewers want explicit content and I truly love making and creating it, but if it’s not going to be appreciated I won’t want to post it.
I try to see things from your point of view, being a consumer myself. I believe that I do a good job of humanizing my subscribers— technically I don’t have to talk to anyone or answer messages at all, what you pay for is the subscription to my sexual content and access to my page. I answer every message and am active in my replies — some days I respond less if I am busy irl or am dealing with depression or a personal medical issue. Still, I almost never skip days and I give you guys a lot of myself, my time, my body, my energy. If you cannot understand that or put yourself in my place, then idk what to say.
Most of you are wonderful and when I say I’m happy and grateful to have you on here, I truly mean it. But the entitlement of some people to demand more content, more explicit content, because of the logic that porn is free elsewhere, is laughable. Yes obviously porn is free elsewhere - go on phub and jerk off if I don’t provide what you want. What I provide is a unique experience that you can’t get anywhere else. It’s the same type of people who sit at a strip club and just watch and don’t tip — it’s insulting to our line of work, which is a already stigmatized and punchlined. Men have created this market, this demand for porn, many complain that it’s still not enough when a model doesn’t do things they see don’t by professionals on phub.
Hiring a SW in real life cost hundreds, thousands. Granted, online you can’t physically touch or fuck the camgirl, but the concept of sexual and personal fulfillment can be fulfilled in a custom video — and if you’ve ever gotten one from me, you know I make some of the best custom videos known to OF. I can’t do irl work right now because of my health conditions. There is a lot about myself that I’m debilitated by and extremely insecure about, but I know that I am extremely fucking good at my job, I am a preternatural sex goddess, I can do the best cock rate or custom video fantasy of your life. The porn I make is creative and incredible. Not to shit on other creators, but I offer something unique that is rare to this platform. I guess people don’t like uniqueness and prefer generic, easily digestible stuff. If you disagree with me, let me know.
I am sorry to sound like a whiny bitchy cunt but I want to make it clear that I’m a human too and not a sex robot behind the screen. OF is not an easy job like many think it is. The concept of overvaluing/ undervaluing is a predicament and I don’t want to do either.
I know December/January are the slowest months in sex work but if it continues to be this demoralizing in the next months of the year I’m going to quit because it looks like I don’t provide value to anyone on here anymore. I enjoy making content and communicating with you guys but the moment it stops being enjoyable for me I’m done. I just want to be appreciated, is it too much to ask for?
This honestly was one of the most low key new years I ever had. I stayed at home and this is the extent of how I “party” lol 🥂 💗
What did you think of my videos from yesterday? I would love any support for my fundraiser if you think the content I make is worthwhile for you, I’m trying my best to create titillating content that you’ll love 💕🌙
Horny xxx elf video and check in, how did I do this year? 🖤 I have over 1000 posts on OnlyFans and over 5000 media for you to look at now, ranging from casual nudes, emo posts, dense intellectual writings, full length sex videos, optional extras, cosplays, memes, ass pics, pussy pics, the saga of my Tesla album, my art, random minutiae of my inner world, and more. It’s wild to me how some people still don’t think I have enough content but oh well. I respond to each message and try to go above and beyond to make my subscribers feel special and humanized. (AND HORNY!) Watch me masturbate dressed as a sexy elf!
🌟Let me know… 😉 If you think I’m doing a good job on this here OF page you can leave me a little tip to show your appreciation 🖤 Do I get a christmas bonus or a lump of coal?
$5 - you did a really good job this year :)
$20 - you did a great job this year and made me smile/cum/intrigued ✨ ♪(๑ᴖ◡ᴖ๑)♪
$69 - you did an amazing job this year and beyond, your hard work does not go unnoticed 🖤 🌈 ✨ 💗
All contributed tips will go towards my dental and pet care, thank you so much. I had a dental crown complication that needed a more advanced procedure than expected, and my Carl has an eosinophilic granuloma that concerns me even more than the tooth pain, I took him to the vet twice this past week. Those medical bills have decimated me and even reaching ~200$ would be extremely helpful right now. ❤️
A drama free post: Merry Christmas! ❤️🎄 How are you spending the holidays? I am tipsy laying in bed horizontally with my big animal laying on my belly. Cheers 🥂
Bound + gagged christmas angel 👼🏻 and some videos/slow mo’s I almost didn’t post. My toxic, evil, Eating Disordered thinking was activated today for the first time in months maybe year+ … relapses in addiction (I would consider EDs in the same vein of mental illness as addiction) are often caused by stress, holidays often cause me stress and having to take my Carl to the vet twice this week has zapped me of my will to power. I’m feeling better now but I had a moment earlier today that was kind of scary. I was thinking that at least my dental pain will disallow me eating for the next few days/week/how long can I stretch it to lose weight. I used to be very thin, and while I am better recovered physically, my brain is not impenetrable from self hurtful thoughts, especially when under extreme stress.
This masochistic self inflicting pain process is synchronous somehow with the BDSMy shoots, although in BDSM the pain is agreed upon and logically, pleasurably inflicted with aftercare, and with mental illness it just sucks. I am channeling the principles of aftercare and what I learned in therapy to level up my evening.
This is why I am in therapy, why I invest in it, why I ask for help with it, why I advocate for it. I’ll likely do a pet bills fundraiser thing soon, I filmed some videos I’d normally describe as sexy and hot but today I’m not in the mood so I will post them and coordinate later.
Hope you enjoy these pics, what do you think of my xxmas angel?
I’m sorry if I brought down the mood💘 I promise I will be more festive after this, just let me have this emo moment 😪 might delete later … who else is having a stressful/emotionally taxing holiday? You’re not alone. I am tending to a large wounded animal. I myself am also a large wounded animal.
I am going to the dentist … please wish me luck 😵💫😵 Sexy vignettes posted in advance bc most likely I will be on pain meds and out of commission tonight haha
What do you think of these casual nudes? Friendly reminder that liking my posts is *Free* and helps me a lot, and if you go like a bunch of my posts I may have a special little surprise for you <3
Some hustle to be seen… I grind to disappear. Casual nudes, slice of life pics. Mostly with my kitten. Swipe all the way for nude video clips. Something for everyone haha 💖
I’ll be posting my writing, thoughts, and random vignettes and experts from my Cyberhorny project along with my digital porn. If I made you think or made you cum, or both 😏, it’s a win for me.
The biggest thing I get out of being online is being able to relate to people with the same mento iwwnesses as me and spread some type of empathy for those who are suffering. The unique thing about OF is it provides a parasocial connection, so you can connect with your favorite digital porn stars.
I know you are 99% here for porn. My porn is just a distraction, but it can also be healing. Sex is a healing modality, sex workers can be healers. Porn can be an incredible outlet, or a sprawling addiction, depending on how you frame things societally. Our culture is obsessed with its aesthetics and visuals, yet porn is derided and many are quick to blame porn stars for addition and toxicity.
Don’t hate the player, hate the game. We do what we can to survive in a system that is built on inequality and exploitation. By taking control of our production, our intellectual property, and our incomes, we create a polarizing space of “empowerment” and “condemnation”. Many creators feel empowered to start an OF for fun and sexual expression, others do so because of the believe there is quick easy money in this. Most do it for financial gain, which is totally valid, but in no way whatsoever is SW easy money or a light dalliance. It requires a tough psychological makeup and there’s a reason most people in the field retire early.
I know the meta analysis and deconstruction of this cyber reality turns some of you off, which is why I balance it with nudes. It’s endlessly fascinating to me tho.
Many people assume that irl SW like dancing or escortting/FSSW will be an easy transition to OF/camming, and while there certainly are some overlaps like the major concept of selling a sexual fantasy, the fact is there is a different skill set used for each reality, the corporeal and the digital. Irl SW demands a healthy body, charming attitude, diplomatic client relations, quick thinking, and seeing all possible perspectives in order to be safe and strategize. Digital SW is a numbers game of advertising and social media skills (there is still a customer service approach, tho). It is easier for disabled and neurodivergent people. It is more degrading to me posting cringe advertising than it is posting nudes of my body. My body is just a canvas and a medium.
I am happy with my experiences and I do wish to destigmatize all forms of sex work and the perception both men and women have of it. There is a lot of whorephobia that comes from not experiencing this field and not knowing, just judging. Sex is strange, it illicits polarizing reactions from people. For example, many men call irl providers trashy, desperate, sex addicted, immoral, and fear they are sexually diseased. I assure you that professional providers and dancers are not only viewing sex with a professional and logical eye, they in most cases take better sexual health care than the random hookup on tinder. All interactions are transactional, financially or otherwise; the difference in SW is that workers are aware of them and handle them with a different kind of openness. We’re human beings, we’re workers, we’re sluts, we’re artists, we’re healers.
People will also assume that experiences in any form of SW - especially irl work - will make someone a more tarnished, worse person. Damaged goods. Filthy. In cases where the industry chews and spits ppl out, esp with middlemen, it may lead to a disgust of the entire industry, but from my own perspective this has been a much more ethical and professional field than most vanilla jobs I’ve worked. Right now, I am very happy doing OnlyFans and wish to do it for as long as I possibly am able to. If I get deplatformed, which happens all the time online, I will expand to other online sites. It is a privilege to work from home and I do not take it lightly. Digital SWers I believe should be respectful of their irl predecessors and also ponder their own views of internalized whorephobia. Online is a totally different realm, one on which many men feel entitled to my time and free content, but I do believe the energy I put out into the world draws for the most part respectful people to my page. You being an amazing group of subscribers makes me want to be a better creator. I course correct my content depending on the flow of the market.
If you’ve been following me for a while, you will probably have noticed the evolution of XXX-ness of my content. Irl, I don’t have to be naked online. Online is a different territory. When I started I barely posted titty pics, I was shy, in my past camgirl experience I was super shy too, and I slowly transitioned to showing more and now I post full nudes, full length videos (in campaigns like this one I will always post a full length video or several https://onlyfans.com/229444314/nastyavalentine and just look through my Videos section if you want to get off to the stuff on my feed).
The last poll I did was a very interesting experiment. I do my best to give you what you want, and what I can. I already post lots of explicit things on the feed, I will continue to do so, and I believe I am very generous with my content (critique me if you perceive me to be wrong) but you have to realize I can’t work for free lol. You can’t go into a coffee shop and say hey I paid for a coffee can I have a sandwich? The $12 for your subscription (less if you found me on sale) is pennies, man. I do my best to work with discounts for my full length content but if you want completely free porn, there are many outlets available online. Parasocial porn with quality production is a luxury and if you cannot afford it, please take care of yourself first and go jerk off on phub or to a cheaper creator.
I’m really thankful that most of you here are respectful of my work and boundaries and pay for the content I work hard on, so I will do my best to bring you the content you want and cater to your gaze while running my page the way I intend to. Thank you for reading if your eyes haven’t glazed over by now ❤️
What would you like to see more of from me in the new year? 🍃 I’m thinking about what to focus on and how to a better job at this. Unlike many creators I don’t have a strategy, I just do my stuff chaotically as best I can. It’s the most me thing to do but it unfortunately doesn’t make my page popular or lucrative. In all areas of my life I wanna try to improve cause I never think I’m good enough. At least here on OF what can I do better or do more of in your opinion?
What’s for dinner? (Please say me) 🖤 I will be taking personal time off from filming new content, so next time I send a ppv or curate a sex tape will be in 2022 🖤
I will be around and online, answering msgs and posting already existing stuff, just no new longform content as I am taking some time away from production. It’s been a long ass year and I’ve produced hundreds of media. Hopefully you’ve enjoyed it 😉
For the rest of the year I’ll just be posting fun stuff without solicitous tip prompts or focusing on trying to make money. I am too tired to consider business strategy. I just want to spend time with loved ones, post horny nudes and art, make music, work on my writing, and exist. I used to punish myself for taking breaks but my mind body and soul are signalling me to recharge my batteries for upcoming horny new year. Being in survival mode is tough. This year was a long one. I’m exhausted. I’m happy with the progress that I’ve made and continue to make, tho. Thank you for being here in my cyber home 🖤
My wish list is also in my bio and it’s never too late to get me some holiday gifts if you’re into that haha 💝🖤
Even if there are no more tips and no more gifts, I am incredibly proud of myself for not giving up despite all the times I’ve wanted to quit, both OF and life in general lol, and grateful to you for being on the page of a little obscure weirdo like myself. I have so many frustrations and feelings of failure when it’s slow, but so much is out of my control and I just have to accept it. I’m glad to have started therapy this year and to have made an outline of my Cyberhorny project (I’d you haven’t read it, please do, it’s a few posts back) 💗 Thanks for supporting me.
Videos from the cosplay/femdom campaign will be sent out once I get the items. I’ve already ordered them but it’ll take a while for them to ship so please bear with me! Thank you🥰
Y’all, REST is extremely important and invaluable and I feel like it never gets talked about cause our toxic ass grind culture praises workaholism 💗💖🥺 swipe for a dessert of some cute nude videos 💖💗🦔
Holy shit I just found my legendary first ever stream on OF!! This was a year ago in my Tesla album era: I recorded, released, and live streamed an album in my Tesla while in lingerie/nude (see the pinned post on my profile). This is the performance stream of it and the first part is similar to my irl music shows. It devolves into an unhinged camgirl show tho, just watch lol
Honestly I didn’t like these pics cause I look wide and chunky, but they’re kind of a vibe… what do you think, yay or nay? Felt mommy, might delete later 💛⛓
Cosplay and femdom harness fundraiser! I’ve been waiting for this Kill La Kill outfit to go on sale lol and I’ve gotten a few requests for femdom content, so I want to get the harness and let Mommy Nastya loose… who will be mommies special little toy?
$10 - personalized thank you (all contributions over $10 will get this) $25 - personalized cosplay/submissive video $33 - personalized femdom video $69 - all of the above plus surprise bonus content!
Swipe for some of my cosplay pics and a Mommy Dom Nurse Joy video: POV I’m bossing you around at the Pokemon Center 🏥
I used to do a lot of skype domming sessions, with SPH, light degradation, cucking, and gentle aftercare - this part is extremely important! The domme role is not supposed to be entirely aggressive and harsh, there’s a kindness to it as well because it’s all about the sub’s pleasure - that being in pleasurably degraded, humiliated, consensually taken advantage of, etc. Imo people who take advantage of that and don’t listen to the sub’s signals are sociopathic - the nature of BDSM play is consensual power dynamics, not abusing the “weaker” person by ignoring safe words and boundaries. Aftercare in general, and checking in with your sub, is massively important. Being a Mistress is a delicate balance of good and evil!
I haven’t been doing the domming sessions in a while, but I’m feeling like rekindling that vibe via video content for you. I lean usually on the sub side but I’m a natural switch and I feel like it’s important to explore all those roles and crevices of the psyche 👀
Thank you so much if you contribute, I would loooove a new outfit and sex toy accessory to end 2021 with a bang
Lola!!! Quite the collection of pics of my little goofball 🖤 (and a few of my other cat family) 🐾 💗 She’s getting healthier and stronger and her purrrrsonality is coming out more — she likes to sleep curled up next to me or on my chest or neck, and she enjoys the cinema. We just watched 2001: A Space Odyssey together. Open the pod bay doors, HAL…
Nothing obscure, intellectual, artistic or emotionally dense going on here. Just generic nudes and a petite generic cyber babe telling you to have a great day! 😊 ❤️ No unique posts from me today — let the majority enjoy this generic content featuring my naked body!
Some random pics in one of my fave lingerie sets ❤️ (and then out of it 😉)
I believe it’s important to talk about sexuality in this digital age not only on the narrow Onlyfans perspective but of the online culture as a whole.
There are so many things not covered by traditional sex education that need to be pondered like an orb: disassociation of the online persona, egoic illnesses, sexual healing, inclusivity, accessibility, dark desires, e-capitalism, the desire for intimacy, the desire for a nice life, the desire for depravity, and so much more.
This is compiled from my years of working in the sex industry and existing at such a strange time, where we’re all virtually (lol) avatars of ourselves. Being online and putting the self out there so vulnerably may result in fragmentation of the personality; we all fragment daily depending on who we are with, but it’s a different psychological experience being in your “irl self” and “online self” — for me, they bleed into each other. I give a lot of myself to this site. Often too much, and I have to rein it back to not become obsessive. Similarly, my online persona which is a sexually exaggerated version of my irl persona then activates my irl persona even more — over time this has led to a higher level of personal and sexual confidence for me so I’m not mad.
How do we gather information and how do we know it is real? Do we trust things online? Without sounding too much like a pretentious fuck, how do we reconcile the epistemology of fake news and inauthenticity online without going completely insane and disassociating?
The online world has almost overtaken our corporeal reality, it certainly influences it. There’s a reciprocal nature to these two realities. Adding sex to this mirror of infinite regress is very interesting since we can’t actually fuck the person on the screen, but the human brain will process activities like masturbation as a reality.
Why do we even want sex? Why do we crave it, why do we risk it all for it? As a human desire that’s been there since the beginning of creation, we already have many answers to this that are primal.
Why do we want popularity? This too has certain evolutionary biological processes but the drive to be popular has never been as toxic and feckless as it is now. Eventually this bullshit influencer culture will fall, and as cheesy as it sounds I think people will see through the bullshit.
Why do we want money (a lot of it)? Capitalism conditions us to be capitalists. We’re conditioned to want a lot of money while working bullshit wage jobs to barely scrape by. We want what we don’t have, and the system is rigged against us to prevent us from having it. Most people should be satisfied with having a great livable wage and enough resources to live happily, eat well, follow their passions. Why the fuck then do people want more? Why do we idealize and idolize those with millions, billions of dollars? Those at the top of the proverbial food chain don’t even have enough time to spend all their money. Consumerism has overtaken us and it’s pathetic. Money being a primary motivator for people is really sad. Obviously I am motivated by it too, I have to somehow profit to make a living and pay my rent. Living in poverty has shown me the depths of hell and a place I deeply viscerally fear going back to. I’m able to make a modest living with this platform and while my niche content won’t ever be able to make me wealthy, I don’t need to make hundreds of thousands of dollars a month. But I do have fantasized about what I would do if I were in that position. Why?
What in our collective human subconscious of the past few hundred industrial years has made us idealize fast tracks to wealth so badly?
What would you do if you were rich? Would you help change the course of a dying planet? Would you help people, for real? Or help them in a way that satisfies your ego? Would you only help yourself? If I were to truly make bank from this account, I would do things to unify and educate people, rather than other myself and divide. Connection and unity is wildly important, now more than ever, even if it’s through a screen.
Why do we want emotional/sexual connection in a digital landscape? It’s strange that in this dystopia, and I do believe we live in the early stages of a dystopia, online connections can feel more real than “real” ones. This is what I find fascinating, intangible, and something I will spend my whole life probably trying to dissect. The various realities we experience are so trippy and psychedelic.
The hustle and grind culture has fucked us up, filled us with competitive toxicity, and dulled our life satisfaction. I believe leisure is more valuable than working yourself to the bone (I say this as I suffer from hypocritical overachieving and fucking workaholism). I dream of having a life where rest is collectively valued and the girlbossification of society is over with. Constantly being pressured to outdo yourself does something harsh to your brain. Being inundated with constant advertising, spam, and marketing bullshit rewires our brain chemistry to be desensitized to the oversaturation of data. The way to combat this for me has been to unplug, take breaks from being online, and liberate my feelings of uselessness and self-doubtful thinking.
To me, having an Onlyfans, beyond being a source of income, is a source of liberation and delight. Knowing that I can make a few people turned on is an incredible thing for me. Being perceived as “hot” or “pretty” after a lifetime of suffering from body image issues, eating disorders, and general melancholia, seems unreal. Nothing is real. Nothing matters. Nothing makes sense. Most of my days are spent in a depressive, disassociating state. But if for a brief moment in my day I feel good about myself, and if it’s due to a stranger online subscribing to me, sending a tip for the content I work so hard on, or giving a genuine, thoughtful compliment — it’s everything. If my online presence can make others feel this type of joy, then I’m happy to exist online and provide this interactive parasocial porn experience.
There is so, so, so much more I have to say about all this that can’t be covered merely in a longwinded Onlyfans post, to be covered more in depth in my Cyberhorny project as I write and develop it.
Pondering my orb … swipe to ponder my ass 🍑 🖤 Re: pondering, I’ve created an outline of my project *Cyberhorny* 💕
✨ (also swipe for a preview of my pdf) ✨
I dissect digital sexuality because I live it, I have been living it for years, and about sex… I got shit to say. Sexuality is going in a very interesting interactive direction which says a lot about our society and the loneliness we endure, made especially prevalent in the pandemic. Some contact online feels realer than real in a Baudrilliardian way: we’re already living in the simulation, the matrix, the world of tomorrow, today. As a disposable egirl in an oversaturated eworld I offer my perspective of this digital realm. Even the direction of my internal monologue changes when I think about being online. It’s truly some Westworld/bicameral mind shit.
To be clear, I love what I do and sex work is a personal choice. There is a lot of internalized whorephobia (from both men and women) which makes people pry into why I do the things I do, tell me things like “but you have a college degree, and have had other jobs” without knowing my full history and experiences. Sexual work has been more rewarding in many ways for me than any other “normal” / vanilla job I’ve had. I’m miserable in 9-5 conditions. I’d rather have a career I enjoy than relegate myself to a societally accepted job just for some random people to accept me for who I am not. Every type of work is exploitative under capitalism, no job is truly 100% ethical. I do my best to be as transparent as possible about how I run my page, why I do this, and what my views are. Many people don’t like personality along with porn, but here it is.
Why do I do this? My answer is quite simple: I just like it, it provides my living, and for a neurodivergent person with very little real world prospects, it is a godsend to work from home. This trifecta (of enjoyment, income, and ease) is what makes it possible for me.
*Sex work is not for the faint of heart.* But many can enjoy it, both the workers and their patrons, and I’m glad that you’re here on my page, which offers a mix of porn and personality. I realize that as a niche it’s harder for me to succeed, but I’ll take obscurity with tegridy over mass production of doing things I don’t actually enjoy. Survival sex work does sadden me, but some women have no choice. That is another topic altogether, one that shows the darkness of our society.
Greed saddens me even more, as hustling and grinding is a major value of our capitalist system. I hate that shit and I wish selflessness, emotional intelligence, and empathy were higher up on our list of value systems. If this platform ever brings me significant income, I would use it to create things that unify and compassionately educate instead of divide and misinform. I always say there’s no right or wrong way to do things, no right or wrong way to run an OF account, but I don’t play the game — therein is my problem and the reason my account objectively won’t reach those levels of success. At least I do what I can with the small platform I’m given, and if I can destigmatize sex work for even a few people, if I can shatter the perception that sex workers can’t make critiquable art, then at least I will have done something right in my efforts.
Do you hear this purr? Welcome to my OnlyCats 😸 🐈⬛ Say hiii to the newest member of my cat family 🥺 This little babycat’s name is Lola (or Luna, as she is known by the vet) but I call her Squirt or little terrorist 😹 She loves her new cat bed, laying in my lap, and listening to Baudrillard lectures.
She is from the streets and was the runt of the litter. Other boys were the runts of their litters too; now they’re spoiled thicc little kings. My contribution to society is saving these cats.
Squirt was in bad shape when she was found: very weak, sick, and tiny. She had parasites and had to be quarantined in the bathroom while she recovered and did her course of medicine. I was with her when she did her first purr and it was precious 🥺 I love this lil kitten
Last slide is a video of me trying to talk intellectually about how Baudrillardian concepts apply to my Cyberhorny thesis, but failing cause this little terrorist is so cute it's distracting 😅
Lil kitten was playing with the phone which is why some of the voice note sounds kind of distorted lol paranormal CATivity 🖤
Pardon my belly rolls whilst I raise my legs 🥸 Sometimes I feel like I look like a potato in pics but most of the time with these natural imperfections, no one even notices. But I fixate. It always means a lot to me when y’all like my posts cause it’s completely free and shows me you appreciate what I do. Felt cute in these 🖤
